


Wrong.

by redhotpandas



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Jay Halstead Whump, Mild Blood, Self-Harm, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:40:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27771640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redhotpandas/pseuds/redhotpandas
Summary: So many people had it worse off. He'd seen it firsthand. So why was he feeling this way?Jay wanted to hurt himself.
Kudos: 28





	Wrong.

Jay laid on his bed. 

He hadn't gone into work today. He had called in sick, but he knew Voight didn't buy it for a second. Not after how he had acted yesterday. 

While the unit had been out talking to witnesses in the neighborhood where a murder had taken place, there had been a drive by shooting, and the man he had just been taking to was shot. Jay did everything he could, but the man bled out in seconds. What was surprising was how he'd felt hours later, washing the blood off of his trembling hands.

_I wish it had been me,_ he thought, and then immediately his stomach twisted with disgust. What the hell was _wrong_ with him? An innocent person had died that morning, and he couldn't get away from his own selfishness. 

But the thought stayed in the back of his head all afternoon, rubbing salt in the imaginary wound. Fantasizing about getting killed on the job, just so he wouldn't have to deal with everything that came with his life anymore. His life ending, in a second. No more grief.

It put him on edge, eventually causing him to snap at Hailey. She was rightfully pissed off, and told him so.

Part of him wanted to get up and leave; drive far away and never come back. Part of him wanted to fight with her, to have an excuse to get upset and yell. Maybe she would hit him, too.

But Hailey didn't need to be dragged into this, so he left her alone. At least, if she was angry with him, she wouldn't see how he was really feeling. 

Jay wanted to hurt himself. 

He knew that Voight knew how much he was hurting. He couldn't hide anything from the man, which was why he hadn't come in. He was afraid that if Voight talked to him privately, he would cry. Voight wouldn't even know what to say, standing there and watching Jay sob. 

Not that anyone could blame him. He wasn't supposed to cry anyway.

Jay flexed his fingers. He was getting carried away. He should go do something to put his mind off things. Yet, he stayed still. He felt oddly calm, laying there. Running through every single bad thing that ever happened to him in his mind, and knowing that it was his fault.

His fault that he was still alive.

On impulse, he swung his legs off the bed and got up. Jay needed to calm down, fast. Already his breathing quickened and his heart started to pound.

There was some beer in the fridge, but he didn't own anything stronger. It wouldn't help anyway. Jay needed something, _now._

He paced around his apartment, eventually ending up in his kitchen. He stared at the knife drawer for a second, only to feel horrified that he would even consider something like that. But the voice inside his head reminded him that he'd cut himself before. When David Seldon, the man who had bioengineered a flesh-eating bacteria and used it to terrorize Chicago, had told him to. At the time, it was only a consequence of doing his job. He’d had to deescalate the situation somehow; buying time until his team could stop the man from hurting anyone else. So he knew what cutting himself was like.

If that was the case, then he figured it wouldn't be so bad. 

Jay picked out a knife and then shoved down his shorts to his knees. He could do it on his thigh. No one would see.

He didn't even take a breath before he did it, just swiped across harshly. Beads of blood rolled down his thigh, but it didn't hurt. So he did it again. And again. 

Jay dropped the knife like he'd been burned when he heard a knock at the door. 

"Jay? I came by to see if you were doing okay," said Hailey.

_What the fuck was she doing here?_

_What the fuck did he just do?_

Before Jay could move, there was the sound of the door being unlocked and swung open.

His heart stopped. There was no time to hide what he'd been doing.

She came inside, not noticing at first, but then stopped when she met his gaze. Hailey didn't even need to see anything else; she could tell by the look in his eyes. 

"Jay," she said slowly. "What happened?"

"Nothing.” His voice was rough when he spoke. 

She came toward him cautiously, with her hands raised up. Like he was a criminal.

"Don't," he warned, taking a defensive stance.

Hailey didn't listen. She kept coming.

" _Don't._ " Jay could feel something indescribable forming in the pit of his stomach. 

He was scared. He didn't want to hurt her.

He saw her eyes flick down to the knife he'd dropped. Hailey tried to lunge for it, but he snatched it up quickly, and she backed away.

"Okay. Okay, Jay. "

Hailey's hand moved to her pocket, like she was thinking about using her phone to call someone.

Jay lost it. He held the knife to the inside of his wrist and threatened, "Don’t even _think_ about calling anyone."

Hailey stared at him with wide eyes, horrified. He must have made an interesting picture, with his shorts halfway down and a deranged expression.

"Okay, I won't. But think about what you're doing, Jay."

He did. Unbidden thoughts flooded his mind; consequences of what he had already started. 

He would lose his job. 

He would lose his friends. 

Jay couldn't salvage this. 

He started to press down on his wrist, but in one motion Hailey snatched it away from him and grabbed him when he tried to fight against her.

Jay could've probably overpowered her, if this had been any other day. He thrashed around, but she brought him to the ground, pinning his arms to the floor.

He knew it was over as soon as she held him there. Jay went limp, finally, but he was still shaking slightly, and it took him a second to realize that he was crying. His breathing hitched as he sobbed silently. 

Hailey was crying, too. But she kept holding the pressure on him until she was sure he was done.

She helped him to his feet. "Let's get you cleaned up."

Jay let himself be led to the bathroom, adjusting his clothes to regain some of his dignity.

Hailey took out some rubbing alcohol and bandages from the medicine cabinet. Jay sat down on the toilet lid, avoiding her gaze.

He hissed when she dabbed the alcohol on the cuts. Without the adrenaline coursing through him, he could feel just how much it hurt. 

Jay wished he wasn't so sensitive.

"I think you should get those cuts looked at. They might need stitches."

"No, I'm fine."

Hailey gave him a pained expression. "Are you kidding me right now?"

"I'm fine! And I don't need you trying to save me." Jay got up to get away from her, but she blocked him in.

"I don't think you realize that I can’t just let this go, Jay!" she started. 

"Hailey…"

"No, you're lucky I'm not going to call anyone. I know how much your job means to you. But if you can't see that this isn't the way, then maybe you shouldn't have it." 

"You don't mean that." 

"How many times are you going to refuse help? I can't worry about you all the time. I need a partner who I can depend on. And right now, I don't think that's you."

Jay swallowed back the lump in his throat. "Get out."

"What?"

"Get the hell out of my apartment, Hailey."

"No, I don't think you should be left alone right now."

Jay stepped forward, causing her to back up. "I don't care what you think! God, why can't you stop projecting your family issues onto me? I'm sick of you always interfering with my life. I don't need your help. "

It was Hailey's turn to be shocked, but it quickly turned to anger. "I guess everything we've gone through together has meant nothing to you, then. You're really going to throw that all away?"

"Maybe I will." 

"Jay!"

"No, you know what? I'm done. With everything. With you, with the unit, and with my life. I can't do this anymore."

"You're not really saying…" 

Jay was getting carried away. But he couldn't stop himself. "I've been putting up with everything for so long, and I can't remember the last time I had one good day. So excuse me for finally wanting to focus on myself."

"You aren't focusing on yourself, you're hurting yourself!"

"And the funny part is, I still don't care! Now get out, and I'm not asking you again." Jay said dangerously.

"I'm not leaving. You're going to hurt yourself again."

Something inside Jay snapped. 

"You make me want to! You never leave me alone! I wish I were dead right now; maybe then I'd get a little peace and quiet!"

He dug his nails into his scalp. "You're so fucking stupid! I knew that the second you walked in here, you would spout off with some 'we all feel sad sometimes' bullshit. Which is rich, coming from you. If I were you, I'd just shut up."

Hailey crossed her arms. "Okay, I'm done."

Jay stared as she headed for the door. "Hailey."

"You need to cool off. We both do."

Jay didn't know what to say. Suddenly, he didn't want her to leave. If she left, he wasn't sure what he would do.

His eyes were drawn to a small spot of blood on the kitchen tile. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry's not gonna cut it, Jay." But Hailey had stopped, and faced him expectantly. Tear tracks ran down her cheeks, and he knew he looked the same. Both of them still acting like this wasn’t a big deal. 

She was waiting for a response, but there was nothing left to say. It was like he had never gotten upset in the first place. He couldn’t feel anything. 

"I just don't know what to do anymore."

Jay couldn't think of anything else to do except head into his bedroom and lay down again. Hailey followed and sat down next to him.

"Aren't you going to leave?" he asked.

"No. And it wasn't right to get upset, either. I just care about you, and I was scared, seeing you like that." She carefully placed her hand on his leg, trying to comfort him.

Jay blinked slowly. "I wasn't even thinking. I just did it."

"I know."

"I'm sorry." 

His fingers crept down to ghost over his thigh. It was only until Hailey gently took his hand and held it that he realized he'd dug his fingers in.

Jay removed his hand from her hold. It wasn't that he didn't want to, but his heart would beat too hard. He didn't want to mess anything up like he usually did.

"You know I can't let this go. We have to do something about this."

The way Hailey said we, like she was going to be there for him, made him feel a small spark of hope. Maybe things would get better.

But it all would go away eventually. 

Jay just wanted to go to sleep. He didn't want any more thoughts.

"Jay?"

He opened his eyes. 

"How about if I stay here tonight?"

As much as he wanted her to, Jay needed to cry in private. Plus, he didn't deserve her help anyway.

He was still replaying everything in his head. How had he let that happen? Hailey didn't need to see him like this. He could spare her the grief.

"You should go. I'll be fine," he said tersely. 

"I'm not asking. I'm telling you." 

Jay sighed, and rubbed his eyes as he sat up. "Fine. Guess I'll take the couch."

Hailey put a hand on his shoulder and looked at him incredulously. "You can't be serious. Look, I'll take care of everything, so just get some rest."

Part of him worried about what she meant, but he was too tired to care. The adrenaline had worn off, and he wanted to sleep forever. 

He laid back down. "Okay. I really am sorry, though."

"Jay, you don't need to apologize anymore."

But he did. It was the only thing he could do to make up for being alive.

He was so ashamed.


End file.
